Life Astonishing

"Guess what?!"
"What?" I said, though I pretty much knew what she was going to report.
"Not only did Baby not cry, he smiled when I kissed him and put him down for his nap!"
At least ten minutes were spent rejoicing over this and over Baby's overall progress with his new sleep routine. Daughter had been at her wits end because her son was so strongly resisting sleep. Now only four days after she read a book about successful sleep habits for toddlers and followed the prescribed plan, Baby is sleeping - like a baby.

Some parents may relate to the triumph described in this little story, but that's not my purpose. Not that long ago my daughter was strongly proclaiming in her own inimitably stubborn manner that she was never getting married or having children. Being the modern, progressive, feminist woman that I am, I was not about to impose society's mandates and expectations on any woman, least of all my own daughter. But I harbored a secret so deep it was almost a secret to myself - it would be nice to be a grandma. But, true to my convictions I gradually became adjusted to her choice of being a professional single woman.

She has now been married for over three years and Baby just turned one. I am amazed when I watch this person whom I bore and knew before she knew herself. The person who taught me so much about myself, especially about how I have no limited reservoir of love. When love is genuine and pure it is infinite and unconditional. I could never stop loving her just as I know she can never stop loving her own baby. Still, when I watch her tenderness, maturity, and self-giving I can't help but ask, "Who is this woman?"

So my purpose in writing this is of course to share a little, but mostly to vent my astonishment at how life can sometimes gift us even with things we dare not dream. As I think about it, there have actually been so many gifts bestowed on me - big ones like this one. Why? Who knows. I am charmed somehow.

So, though the day of Thanksgiving is over, I hope gratitude will exist in all my days. I hope you have had big gifts in your life surprising you, charming you - magic unexplained.

"To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

Emily Dickinson

"I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it."

Charles Schulz

(Quotes from The Quote Garden.)

LIFE AS ART

This morning I saw the open spaces of my time as a blank canvas waiting to be filled. Then I reflected on life in general and wondered if much of it is not also a blank canvas waiting for our choices to paint the picture of our fulfillment, or lack thereof. And I began to see my life as a work of art in progress.



To complete the metaphor, the frame must represent our life circumstances, which can strongly influence the work of art by highlighting its strengths, or detracting from its essence. It can be grandiose or so small that the painting seems to have no focal point. The balance of the painting and its frame seems to be what creates wholeness.


Enough metaphor.

~

My father left my life when I was about three years old. Memories of him are like fog. But I am told he was a singer and a painter - an artist.

Is there a gene for that?

Most would think I have little for which to thank my father, but perhaps it is that gene of his that is driving me to appreciate the art that surrounds me. I suppose nature is the biggest work of art, but the creativity that is exuded by some people is almost as stunning and godlike. And now I see each life as a canvas being tinted , a story being sung, a poem in motion, a sculpture of reality.

So, thank you father.

When I graduated from college, miraculously my grandparents (who raised me) allowed me to go to Europe with some friends. The trip was an awakening, a truer education than I had ever received. Art struck me and I gasped my first breath. I am so grateful for that too.

Today I was reminded of the significance of art in our lives. This morning I discovered a website which is dedicated to encouraging the pursuit of an art-filled life. It proclaims that: "Aesthetic philosophy...deals with beauty, harmony and balance." "Aesthetics are known to refresh the senses and stimulate emotions."

If my life is to be a work of art, then I must inhale the fumes of art's mysteries, digest the sustenance of its wealth.

Only then can I become it and forget the question, "Does art imitate life, or life imitate art? My answer is neither. They are fused as one.

May art consume us all.

"ART IS A LIE THAT MAKES US REALIZE TRUTH."

Pablo Picasso

FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY

Thank you to all those who sent their prayers and good thoughts to my friend and her daughter. Tiva died at 9:15 Saturday night. I continue to pray for peace and healing for the entire family.

~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, when I got the phone call about my friend's daughter, I had just written the following paragraph:


"A few minutes ago, I was looking for a particular book and my hands kept brushing against a book I'd forgotten, "Feel the Fear...and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. I'm always open to a little serendipity, and considered that perhaps the book had a message for me. So I picked it up and saw that there was a book mark still in it, I had forty two pages to go before finishing it. I thought I had read it entirely several years ago, but typical of the way I do many things, I had been superficial in my focus, and dismissed it as a very good self-help book, but one that didn't apply to me that much. I don' t remember giving up on it, but I guess I abandoned it for some other book, perhaps one that didn't confront my self-deception so strongly."

~

Today, I sit and ponder about the significance of fear. I find it interesting that upon hearing of someone else's misfortune, my impulse reaction was to feel fear; and in a most shamefully human way, to thank God that it was not my daughter who died.

For so many years, I've been processing the events of my life and working on letting go of things - negative attitudes and old internal "tapes" that haunt me as they filter through my consciousness. In the process, fear received much attention and I grew to consider myself a conqueror, no longer driven by fear but ready to confront and kill all my internal monsters and demons.

I am happy to announce that I am no longer afraid of bugs. Yay. It's great to know that I am fearless around minuscule creatures that usually mean me no harm. On a higher level, a more symbolic one, perhaps this means I no longer fear the little challenges and obstacles in life. No longer do I fret over driving in unknown territory, no longer do I cringe when I have to speak up in front of a group, etc. It may appear so, but this is no small matter. Little things do mean a lot and I'm glad that most of the time I don't sweat the small stuff, as Kristine and Richard Carlson wisely advised in their famous book.

However, as I go deeper, reluctantly, to see the truth of my growth, sadly I must admit there has not been as much progress as I thought. I now think that time just naturally made me overcome many fears, making it seem as if I have bravely and intentionally overcome them. I remember being afraid of giving birth, then raising a child, continuously enriching a marriage, then pursuing a career, then working as if I knew what I was doing. Scary stuff, but essentially it's just a life evolving from its choices - a natural process. I couldn't help but live out the consequences of my choices, though I still felt the fear, I had to do it.

~

It has been said that one of the greatest fears is fear of the unknown. This may be true. I recall being enveloped by terror as I lay in bed trying to accept the death of life as I knew it, and the birth of a life unknown. My mother, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and the doctor had determined she could no longer live alone. I was uprooting her from New York to come live with me in New Mexico. As far as she was concerned she was moving to another planet, and as far as I was concerned I was about to enter a frightful Twilight Zone. It's been almost five years now. I still grieve the aspects of my former life, which perished, and whose memories are fading, like a dream. But, I'm doing it - in spite of all the panic.

I think some fears are actually based on the known as well. I chuckle as I see the depth of my fears - I'm even afraid to identify them as if ignoring them will somehow make them disappear. But maybe one of the first steps is to overcome denial, one of my ego's best defenders. So, though nebulous in detail, once I inspect it, I am forced to accept that I'm afraid of old age and the aches, the debilitating gradual loss of function, the potential financial depletion, the mental deterioration that may be in store for me. Yet, unless fate surprises me, I'm headed towards some of those known, unavoidable stages.

~

A few months ago I took a trip to Sedona, Arizona with my family. I expected a serene, meditative, calm experience, but my daredevil son-in-law had a different idea. Up and around and up some more, he skillfully maneuvered the rented jeep as we climbed tremendous rocks and skimmed the edges of profoundly steep cliffs while I sat in the back; muscles contracted, eyes closed, questioning, if not cursing, the moment I agreed to take that crazy and dangerous ride.

"I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway," I blurted out, trying to give myself some undeserved credit. Wisely, son-in-law retorted, "No. This doesn't count for you. You have your eyes closed."

Though not exactly a meditation, that little trip taught me a few things. Life's tour doesn't count, if you have your eyes closed; most of us are afraid of the heights we can reach and often we must be driven there; no matter what label we give it - fear of heights, bugs, planes, water, injury, destitution - all our little and big fears culminate in the ultimate - fear of death. This is one of the things life has been trying to teach us - every loss is but a little death, which even if you fear, you'll have to do anyway.