Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I've thought so much of certain years
when all judged my "admirable behavior" as kind.
Only I knew what went on inside. My heart,
pierced by thorny vines, bled
a festering resentment of dark red.
I burned with wishes for a different life.
Those times have passed, all does.
But in my mind sentiments of former days
were repeatedly reviewed.
Beneath the shade of selfish shame
I asked myself, "How could I've performed the role of nice
while being hypocritically trapped,
unable to release the truth of how I really felt? "
Now what to do?
No way to make amends.
How? for who can undo time?
how I can pay back a debt
bitterly accrued attempting to fulfill expectations
like a convict paying for crime.
Can kindness unwillingly performed have merit?
or does it only count when it flows naturally,
effortlessly like it does from those
with forthright motives,
who simply share it?
The other day, I sipped my coffee, thinking
of nothing. Suddenly, from the depths of blue sky
"Forgive yourself," popped in my mind.
These familiar words that I've often given as advice,
suddenly came alive in me, as if they were pronounced
in the universe for the first time.
I smiled. At that moment,
the process began.
(Submitted to Dverse Poets Open Link Night.)
Labels: Dverse poets
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Myrna, I think we have all done things in our past that we might not be pleased about as we look back. You are right, that one cannot undo time. What has been done has been done. But we can move forward, and the first step is forgiving ourselves(as you did) & giving ourselves a fresh slate & doing differently from now on.ReplyDelete
forgiving ourselves is probably one of the hardest things to do - but that was the thing that also popped into my head first while reading this... and then start each day anew...on a blank canvas...and just paint it with your own colors...which are beautiful...smilesReplyDelete
Myrna... this reminds me of a feminist song from Sweden named "about kindness" stating the curse of women having to be kind all the time, with the effect being trampled on... I don't know if that happened.. but I reckon some of that caged resentment was probably just and fair..ReplyDelete
Acceptance of things you have no control over works well also. A strong poem with a heartfelt message., You can always make amends. The people you say you're sorry to don't have to accept it, but then thjat becomees their burden, no longer yours.>KBReplyDelete
Your poetry sings to me, MReplyDelete
mmm forgiving ourselves is huge...esp for those things we can no longer do anything about for they will surely weigh us down...and rob of the one thing we can do...live on differently and extend love to others....ReplyDelete
Yes... we must forgive ourselves first. I'm so happy you're where you are today!ReplyDelete
Nice....you describe very well one aspect of growing up which can happen at rapid speed for some, very gradually for others...Claudia is right...hardest thing to do in life..;)ReplyDelete
Forgiving myself is a work in progress - and not easy. Just the same, a good deed is a good deed is a good deed. And sometimes, just sometimes, doing the actions changes my heart...ReplyDelete
beautiful Myrna... forgiveness is for giving... and who better to give it to than one's own heart?ReplyDelete
It all starts from inside us, I agree ~ Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and this may be the barrier to moving forward ~ReplyDelete
i might depend on kindness unwillingly performed having merit:) so strong and insightful. you describe the process very well, emotional anguish, finding the path and embarking on exactly where you ought to be. so nice...ReplyDelete
Oh yes. Yay for you!ReplyDelete
this lovely forgive yourself..that is so hard to do at times..a moment of light for sure..ReplyDelete
loved this.. we all share moments in time when performing a kindness resentfully..to the receiver of the kindness remains, but we too often suffer guilt Clearly 'forgive yourself' must be applied so the healing can begin. Beautifully honest poemReplyDelete
I can really relate to that, at least up to the Forgive Yourself part (I'm still working on that). Beautifully expressed, it went through me like clear water, cleansing...ReplyDelete
When we're kind we - all of us - usually have some mixed motives behind our actions, so your poem speaks to everyone who readds it. What we need is not guilt, but forgiveness - and the hardest person to forgive is yourself; or at least that's what I've found over the years.ReplyDelete
(self)-forgiveness is not for beginners, thats for sure. hardest thing, as everyone said. i so feel you, myrna -- the compulsion to be nice, it's our collective burden. thanks for your visit.ReplyDelete
I am glad in the end you managed to forgive yourself!ReplyDelete
"My heart, / pierced by thorny vines, bled / a festering resentment of dark red. /I burned with wishes for a different life." - Very powerful lines Myrna.
Beautiful! I was hoping it would end that way. A hard thing to do to forgive oneself but necessary since none is perfect.ReplyDelete
It's great to look back and realize how life had been, good or bad. It's the journey that counts. One should not be too hard on oneself. The journey then will always be beautiful! Nicely Myrna!ReplyDelete
...what is now is now... choose to be good or be bad... either ways, be careful not to regret... we only live once & life only asked us to do 2 things: Live Good, & Die Good. smiles... i enjoyed this...ReplyDelete
Forgiving ourselves is sometimes the hardest. Great write.ReplyDelete
Yes, forgiveness of oneself is great advice, and advice often not taken by the person that gives it out so freely.ReplyDelete
Nobody lives a perfect life. Life isn't meant to be lived perfectly. But I believe the recognition of ones mistakes, and the attempt to change and evolve tends to fade our errors. We can't change the past, but the present is a big wide open space that shows us the option of one day having something better to look back on.
Loved this! Thank you for sharing!