All my life I’ve felt “lessor than”, somewhat unworthy. I’d have to write a book here about the psychological causes, the remedies, therapeutic and spiritual interventions, its progress and setbacks in order to cover the course of insecurity in my life. Don’t worry I wouldn’t to do that.
I will mention that I’ve learned the proverbial rollercoaster of life is not limited to the external “story” of what happens but also to the internal process that directs it. So, I’ve had times when I feel like I can conquer any challenge, and other times when I’m convinced I’m an undeserving incompetent involved in situations where I don’t belong.
When I started blogging It took courage for me to begin (an accomplishment), but when I found myself among writers whose caliber I knew I could never match, my confidence plummeted. Still, I continued to mingle with the best, while I also mingled feelings of embarrassment and doubt mixed with severe admiration mixed with a little envy, which led to a little shame. All of these, except for the admiration, of course stem from fear.
I hope an opposite of fear is perseverance because I’m still editing/rewriting my book, still blogging, still writing poetry. I hope an opposite of fear is ignorance because I don’t really know what I’m doing. Maybe its opposite is hope because I hope I can improve. Maybe fear has no opposite. It stands alone, strong and persistent, challenging us all.
Today, a most talented poet, painter, architect, Ashok, gave me and several other bloggers the Sunshine Award. How can it be? That he thought of me? But he did, and his compliment inflates my ego enough that for today fear is gone and slowly, very slowly my confidence crawls up as I listen to the loud click clack of the roller coaster rising.
Tomorrow when fear disguised as insecurity returns, though the descent will be so fast I scream from the thrill, I’ll be okay. I know as soon as I get down, I’ll smile and I’ll want another ride.
“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”