Tuesday, September 10, 2013
I've thought so much of certain years
when all judged my "admirable behavior" as kind.
Only I knew what went on inside. My heart,
pierced by thorny vines, bled
a festering resentment of dark red.
I burned with wishes for a different life.
Those times have passed, all does.
But in my mind sentiments of former days
were repeatedly reviewed.
Beneath the shade of selfish shame
I asked myself, "How could I've performed the role of nice
while being hypocritically trapped,
unable to release the truth of how I really felt? "
Now what to do?
No way to make amends.
How? for who can undo time?
how I can pay back a debt
bitterly accrued attempting to fulfill expectations
like a convict paying for crime.
Can kindness unwillingly performed have merit?
or does it only count when it flows naturally,
effortlessly like it does from those
with forthright motives,
who simply share it?
The other day, I sipped my coffee, thinking
of nothing. Suddenly, from the depths of blue sky
"Forgive yourself," popped in my mind.
These familiar words that I've often given as advice,
suddenly came alive in me, as if they were pronounced
in the universe for the first time.
I smiled. At that moment,
the process began.
(Submitted to Dverse Poets Open Link Night.)