Saturday, June 9, 2012

Passive Selections













I watch you as you enjoy a home-cooked meal, then
talk about the songs outside your room.  All night
they played, you say.  I smile, glad that it's  music
you're hearing and not the demon voices convinced
of enemies prowling, creeping in crevices of your soul.
But patiently they wait, then pounce from your lips
unexpected and I wonder if you created them,
or if by chance they're just offspring
made by the involuntary twisting
of wires that are too old.

There's nothing you control, you say, and stay
wrapped in a blanket of death's yearning,
immobile, stale, content with misery.
Is it life you grieve? so much
that it's become invisible from disregard
while still throbbing, running through your veins,
unseen, devalued but ready to energize
movement, joy, being
any moment
you chose.

(Submitted to Dverse Poets.)

(Those of you who have followed this blog, may remember that mother-in-law is in a nursing home.  Dementia often leads her to experience delusions and even hallucinations.  It's nice when she hears music, but dreadful when she profanely and maliciously talks of her new roommate and other residents.  She is unhappy, depressed which does little to reduce my occasional feelings of guilt for having her there.


Mother-in-law rarely leaves her darkened room.  She has all her meals brought to her and  stays in bed most of the time.  She did have a nice time when she visited me and the family during a recent reunion.  But she refuses to engage in any activities at the nursing home and has rejected the friendship offered by some very nice ladies.  She has a right to chose, to self-determine her life.  Still, I wish she would chose happiness.)

21 comments:

  1. Sad to read and must be heart breaking to those who know and love her. I have an elderly friend who is much the same as this also in a nursing home by her own choice. She is impatient and rude to everyone and she doesn't have dementia either. She decided two years ago she'd had enough of this life and stopped wanting to participate in any part of it.
    Very sad read.

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  2. Very touching, sad piece. Maybe she will get to happiness eventually.

    Your poem also goes perfect with the prompt over at Imaginary Garden with Real Toads, too- http://withrealtoads.blogspot.com/2012/06/word-with-laurie-dementia.html

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  3. mmm...heavy...i just read several heavy ones in a row that all point back to my MILs passing...so hard for me to go back to...i wish she would choose it as well...nicely written myrna...

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  4. This is beautifully written ... you allow the reader to feel as you do with the descriptive language you choose. Really touches home.

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  5. A very moving poem - so difficult when one's mind not one's own. Well done. k.

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  6. Thank you for sharing this, it was a very good poem. I felt the sadness in it.

    My prayers go out to you and your mother in law

    Andrea

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  7. A yearning for death ~ Lovely but really sad share ~

    But it is also our choice of how we will go about it ~ Enjoyed this ~

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  8. So sad yet beautifully written, Myrna. I'm sorry to hear about how your mother-in-law suffers from dementia. It is so difficult to see our loved ones suffer.

    Much love and prayers to you... God bless.

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  9. So sad, indeed. That yearning....I think it exists for many of us in many different ways:

    There's nothing you control, you say, and stay
    wrapped in a blanket of death's yearning,
    immobile, stale, content with misery.

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  10. You have captured her struggle so well and it's hard to watch. "is it life you grieve? so much that it has become invisible with disregard" excellent line!

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  11. i can imagine that it is very difficult for you myrna but don't feel guilty, you made a choice and she can as well...and yes, i too wish she would choose happiness..much like how you wrote this...esp..
    I wonder if you created them,
    or if by chance they're just offspring
    made by the involuntary twisting
    of wires that are too old... very good image..

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  12. Hauntingly familiar to too many of us, I suspect. There should be no guilt for any of the parties here, she is perhaps unable to choose, and sometimes we have little or no choice - said with love and admiration for a superb poem

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  13. Moving and poignnant, thanks for sharing.

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  14. Myrna, it is very sad and you have a beautiful heart. You do what you can. It's not your fault she is unhappy in the nursing home <3

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  15. "the involuntary twisting of wires that are too old"-- This little group of words resonates loud & clear to this reader. You describe the most perplexing part of life, certain to be the most dreaded fear of old age. The choices involved in nursing home residence, to check in or not, are horrible, abominable, painful, sometimes inevitable.
    These are the thoughts your words in "Passive Selections" provoke...

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  16. My dearest Myrna,
    Very sad and touching. It reminds me how we must live life to the fullest and love those in our life. As always, very well written my dear friend. You have touched my heart here.

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  17. The idea that one can simply choose happiness--in the same way that one might choose pancakes for breakfast--regardless of the fact that they're senile, demented, and living in a nursing home, strikes me as a bit much to expect. Are you sure you could do it?

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  18. I think your poignant poetry piece shows how deeply empathetic, altruistic and caring you are. Your family and their well being is on your mind, to the extend that it inspires you to write about it poetically... However the guilt you are feeling is without base, I would rather think it is a sadness, to see her end this way...
    Thank you for your recent comment and such lovely compliments. I have to return them by saying I wish I could write poetry as exquisitely as you.;))
    xoxo

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  19. People might say it's an illness (and it is) but I do feel that our we have a pattern of behavior or a pattern of choices that shows up right through our life. This is an extremely moving piece, Myrna. I do hope that she hears more of the music.

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  20. Like others, I was very moved and deeply touched by this post. You have given me a lot to think about this morning.

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  21. Your poetry reflects very well the state of things in your head and in your life. I also think that in order to be happy, we have to choose it. It is a willing act to grab the punches of life and make the best we can with them. I hope your mother-in-law realizes this, it's never too late to smile.

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