Saturday, October 1, 2011


I bought a few gifts, some food and went to see my mother. She didn't know it was her birthday because she hardly knows anything anymore. The only thing remaining in her conscious mind is the present moment, nothing else. I've wondered if this is a blessing, or does it rob her of true living. Is it living at all?

She recognizes each moment as an individual picture frame that is immediately discarded, forgotten. It hurts a little that she sees me that way. She seems to experience a tinge of recognition, but once I'm out of her range, I'm gone and the memory is lost, or rather it never existed.

We were never close. Now there's no time left to create a semblance of a mother/daughter kinship. What never was, will never be. Still, I am the person who looks after her well being, making sure all her needs are met. I'm certain her basic ones are. Her mental/emotional/spiritual needs may be less fulfilled, or totally fulfilled. I don't know.

So I gave her some presents, a little food, a hug, some smiles and good wishes during the moments I was with her. Her spirit was lifted temporarily, until it retrieved into unknown, vacant, mysterious realms where I can't find her.

It's difficult for me to maintain an inner sacred silence. The voices of ego chime in and interrupt my meditation. When I observe my mother's stillness, her detachment from the material, I can't help but wonder if she hasn't naturally mastered a type of time travel that jettisons her to the place I seek in my own silence. I wonder if maybe someday we'll meet there to connect beyond the limits of relationship, beyond the confines of conditions, beyond the boundaries of bodies, in the place where love is truly all.

Until then I must focus on basics, on mundane and humane considerations and on simple, interactive moments. Yesterday, when I uttered, "Happy Birthday Mother," it made her happy... and me too.


  1. WISE post. teaching. consoling.

    my mom is still living independently but this line of yours sums up the lesson of my week:

    "We were never close. Now there's no time left to create a semblance of a mother/daughter kinship. What never was, will never be."


    Thanks for helping me process it all, and for your dear visits to my blog.

    Warm Aloha from Waikiki;

    Comfort Spiral

    / )

    > < } } ( ° >

  2. smiles. i am glad that regardless of what you might or might not have had prior you are there for her and made her feel special today.


  3. Myrna, Ram Dass, in his book "Still Here," discusses his feelings about his own mother when she was in such a condition.

  4. Another beautiful post, Myrna. I'm running out of words to express how lovely your writing is, how it touches my heart!

  5. when they are still there but can't be found anymore...think that's so hard...but she will feel your love i'm sure myrna...

  6. Glad to be sharing my birthday with your mom, dear Myrna. What a lovely post, this was. A story of warmth, compassion, love and honesty. The last line captures it all.

    Joy always,

  7. You are a good and lovely daughter. God bles, Myrna.

  8. This was so beuatiful, send shivers down my spine. Mostly because I love your contemplation about a mother daughter relationship and they way you touched on the spiritual, or perhaps on the fact that part of us might wonder off somewhere some day, to another place we can not even imagine today. I loved your melancholy in this post and the way you describe the reality of life, as at times it is anything but sugar sweet...
    Have a lovely Monday and happy belated birthday to your mom.;)

  9. You have such a wonderful way of capturing these moments, seasoned with a touch of melancholy, yet the heartiest flavor, though you were not close, the heartiest flavor is the love you share in each of these difficult moments. Glad you both enjoyed a brief moment.

  10. You capture feelings with words exquisitely. It's always more difficult when we have unsettled feelings about a parent. My mother and I were close, but we were a little estranged when she died. She too had retreated to a place that I couldn't reach. I did love her and I think she knew that.

  11. Oh Myrna, such deep, wise and courageous reflection. As heartbreaking as it is for those of us on the "outside" who still remember the past and that there is a future...there is something very powerful as you clearly understand about your mother's presence, moment by moment...each single moment brand new. I'm sorry for the pain it causes you to witness her transitioning from the mother you remember to the mother who seems to be fading. And I'm glad you were able to celebrate her birthday with her as an embodied being...while you were there, she was there and you both experienced joy in that tender exchange of love and awareness.

  12. This is beautiful. It's difficult but you've found some spiritual questions that most would have overlooked. Bless you!

    -Melissa (awitchtrying)

  13. just thought i'd stop by and say hello...smiles

  14. Myrna...always so good to hear from you. Hoping all is well in your corner of the world my friend.

  15. I'm right there with you Myrna. very wise reflection in deed. its how we cope with whats in front of us and our own immortality.